to everyone no one believes in
A lil snip of ”brothers” take a listen! Xoxo
toilets
some that know me may not know a few of my past, and present struggles throughout the 21 years of my life.
but for those of you that care, i had an eating disorder for about 3 years in highschool. it was one of the more wretched things of my life that im not entirely proud of. i no longer have any form of an eating disorder, but now and then thoughts will stroll through and encourage me to pick it back up.
it is only by determination, changing my mindset, follow through of actions, and much time spent in pray and with Jesus that i was able to overcome this whole thing. i never went to a psychiatrist, counselor, teacher, parent, or doctor. maybe i should have and it would have sped things up, but maybe it would have slowed them down. i don’t condone any of the above mentioned, in fact i encourage it. it is wise to seek counsel, especially in such severe circumstances.
i can’t tell you how many nights i cried myself to sleep, sat alone at lunch in the bathroom, bent over nasty toilets all over to make myself vomit, or skipped meals for days eating nothing but a few bites of bread or cheese. the hours pent torturing myself, unable to escape the whirlwind of thoughts perusing around my brain constantly screaming at me that i am not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough. not even capable of being those things. im sure everyone has those thoughts at some point or another. but to the degree these were, i wish upon no one. nights that i was absolutely horrified and disgusted at just the sight of myself, even my shadow in a mirror. that all worth, if ever there was any- completely vanished. and now left a hollow body just at the disposal of whomever to use as their muse.
sometimes its very difficult when any of those thoughts provoking me, come back to me. i had them just last night as i was about to fall asleep. but it would be easy to give back in. easy to give up. easy to find my way back to what i once knew instead of carrying out through the unknown.
but i have always been a fighter. and i have always been an encourager. to myself and to others. there are people having the same struggles that need to know they themselves possess the power to overcome it, not some medication or program. and that’s because Jesus gave us that power through his blood and by the way he created us.
i reached a moment one night. i remember it… vaguely. but it was a powerful moment that then changed my life. before that night there were so many heavy tears and prayers for God to help me and take this thing away. but ultimately it was still my choice. and i still kept going back to it time and time again. i realized that sticking my head WILLINGLY into dirty toilet bowls and shoving fingers down my throat for years wasn’t what i wanted anymore. by realizing that i realized i didn’t want anymore to be possessed by the thoughts of what others perceive of me, or what i perceive of myself. i was finally ready to be satisfied with God more than i was myself. so that night, a floor soaked with salty streams from my eyes i made the choice that i was going to quit. by my choice, not by His doing. because it was my choice to begin in the first place, it had to be my choice to end.
and here i am, three years later and never better. like i said, moments have occured and i will be honest in saying i did have times when i wouldn’t eat for a few days, or i would try to throw up… but it wasn’t the same as it had been before. the choice was already made before that and even those little decisions to follow my feelings didn’t go far.
i don’t really know where this is going, or why im typing these words to put into this interwebworld.
but what i do know, is more powerful than anything i don’t know. i know who God is. i know who i am. i know i will fight and i will overcome. i know i will teach others of their strength that lies within. you don’t need more strength, only more knowledge of that which you already have.
that’s all.
![my new lovely. :]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0yflxHbZw1r3yk56o1_400.jpg)
Oh the glory days!
I miss fine arts. :[
guilty as charged
to be found guilty, is for charges to be pressed upon by one. that one can be one self, or some one else. but regardless of who that one is, a charge is being pressed for an action.
i have come to find throughout my entire life of going to church sundays, wednesdays, and however many other days of the week i attended every year since the time of my conception that it seems we have developed this so called “conviction”. however, when churches and ministers talk about conviction now, they do not actually mean conviction, they just mean guilt.
some of these ministers haven’t reached the freedom in Christ or revelation of His relationship such as others. so, the only sense they can make out of christianity vs. the world, or in the world but not of it, is to guilt people to Christ by convincing them by what they are doing is wrong and will always be wrong, and the only way to be right is to not do it.
but then that wouldn’t explain christianity for those that are athiests, yet act and do things better than a lot of self proclaimed christians.
many still have it in their mind that we earn our way to heaven, that our righteousness is gained and maintained by acts rather than faith. that anything we have is gained and maintained by acts instead of faith. and to that i say…
you are holy because God made you, not because you hold the utmost standards for your living.
you are pure because you’re washed by the blood of Christ, and his stain is pure and clean, not because of the things you abstain from.
you are righteous because that’s how God sees you, not because how you see yourself, or how others hold your view.
if you are one with christ, yet you commit a sinful act, are you any less holy, pure and righteous than the day before when you didn’t commit a sin? what about the sins we commit subconsciously, or maybe we unwillingly commit, or didn’t even realize we commit? are we any less because of that?
if we were defined by our actions, the answer would be yes. but we are defined by who God says we are, and at the end of the day, all our sins are forgiven, before we were even capable of making them.
the sin is the action of doing… in that there is no difference between sins. the difference lies within the reaction. and if every action has an equal and opposite reaction, then every one and every thing innately has a choice to make a reaction. either one that is equal, sinful, or one that is opposite, not sinful.
but with all being said… we are missing the importance of this entire writing…
as christ like people, followers of jesus, believers, christians… whatever the hell you wanna call us… conviction isn’t feeling guilty. conviction is a fixed belief. we have a fixed belief in Jesus Christ. when one feels “convicted” it is the realization of an absence, not the guilt of an action.
church, and christians, should not be a parade of good works, but rather parading of good news. after all, that is what the gospel means. good news.
good news meaning there is more to life than this earth, than this world, than your life. there is jesus who is perfect in every way. and a love that surpasses all understanding. a father who is not worried about time or on a schedule because he is time, holds time, and sees all things past, present and to come in one.
good news meaning that you can stop worrying about how well you’re doing according to your pastors and peers, or how many sins you are or aren’t committing and build the most important relationship you will ever encounter… which lets face it, in the grand scheme of things has way more pull than your simple sin.
i believe in relationship and worship with jesus. i believe in selflessness as religion. i think if we start viewing our life through that light, we may actually begin to see change and dare i say it… “revival” or as i like to say, reform. because revival is just a short term period of bliss and works. i would rather havereformation.
Show me all your bruises: I can't explain my frustration with people these days. ↘
You have no money? try getting a job. You hate your friends? try making new ones. You hate where your life is going? then redirect it. You’re sad? do something to make yourself happy. You’re ‘in love’ with someone who hurts you? Grow a pair and move on. You’re tired of being lonely? stop pushing…
at the end of the day
it’s not about how great i am at my job, or how terrible i am.
it’s not about if i looked put together and pretty, or how people perceived me.
it’s not about how much weight i gain, or even lose.
it’s not about how many words i spoke, or how many voices i hear.
at the end of every day it’s about My God, My Family, and My Heart.
much can be said with no words and few actions but rather a look of the eye, touch of the hand or kiss on that soft spot.
i treasure my parents. i adore them. its not how frequently they verbalize “i love you” or how many plane tickets home and deposits into my bank account during college, or how they paid for my college… and car.
moreso… it’s the kiss on the cheek and gentle hand on my back from my daddy.
it’s the scratching my head and rubbing my back on the couch from my mom.
it’s the wink of an eye from my future husband boyfriend.
it’s the peace and calming when i sing to god and sit in his presence.
it is true what they say. it’s not about what you know, it’s about who you know.
i may or may not be taking it out of context, but still. it’s not about what you do with your time. it’s who you spend your time with.
that’s what matters at the end of the day.
